It's been a long time since I've blogged, but it's necessary sometimes to find yourself and then come back once you've gotten grounded. Or in my case, once you've almost lost everything...
A while back, I wrote about my adoption story. I wrote my heart out about how I felt and how hard it was, yet how rewarding the adoption had been. I thought I hit rock bottom. Boy was I ever wrong.
Following the pregnancy, I had such deep depression that I almost lost my sisters' patience with me. I almost lost my faith. I almost lost my boyfriend, and honestly, my life. If it weren't for the constant support from my boyfriend and his family, I would have given up. Suicide was constantly on my mind and it wasn't until early 2018 that it finally receded into its dark, black hole from hell and has left me alone since. However, it gave me new confidence. It gave me a feeling of greed and made me think I needed more than I did. More love. More things... more everything. And while no one should put their personal needs aside, it became evident that I was putting aside the needs of others. I kept telling myself that I was a good friend, good auntie, good sister, girlfriend, etc. but really, I was super lost in myself. I wasn't finding myself. No. I was being a glutton. I was being so selfish that I felt nothing was good enough.
My boyfriend has been by my side for ages, it seems. We've been together nearly five years and I was always so thankful and grateful to have him. Everything lead back to how lucky I was to be with him. And then in early 2018, once I "found myself", I started to feel like I wasn't getting what I needed. I wanted a ring. I wanted an apartment. I wanted more, more, and still more. But he wasn't ready. And although he was constantly there by my side, I still imagined him not loving me. But all he was saying was that he needed more time to grow personally before he took those steps with me. And when I projected my feelings, usually with my best friend, it seemed like he was the worst. The absolute WORST. But he wasn't. I had just lost my way and misunderstood what he needed. And instead of asking him why he wasn't mentally there, or trying to communicate with him around what I felt... I just started distancing myself.
Well, it crashed down. Somewhere between Halloween and New Year's Eve. I didn't care anymore. I started drinking too much. Constantly focusing on me and how I felt instead of others. I was heading straight for a wall of shit. Just a huge, brick wall of terrible. And I dragged everyone I knew into that car with me and drove full force into that wall.
Let me back up for a minute and tell you about my best friend. The one who so lovingly cried with me endless times. Supported me through all the stress I created for myself and built me up while I was selfish. We have shared everything together for the last 5 years. We were pregnant together. Had our children just a few weeks apart. Watched our ridiculous reality TV together. Traveled. Laughed, loved, and lived- seriously. It was the strongest relationship, aside from the one with my sisters or my boyfriend that I've ever had. I've never had anyone support me wholeheartedly the way she did. Others have been skeptical of my paths, and they should have been. But not her. She never questioned me if I really believed in something. She was my rock and the person I went to with everything. She was the best listener besides God because she didn't ask questions, and when she did, they were out of love and support. This is truly the friend you want in your life.
And I lost her. I don't have a best friend anymore... She's gone.
Aside from my family and boyfriend... she's the only other person in this world that matters. I literally have a hole in my life now. Have you ever had the urge to run and tell someone something so juicy, or important, and then you have to remember that you can't because you ruined that chance? That's me every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can't remember a day in the last couple of years where I didn't interact with her on some level. Whether it was a stupid meme on Facebook, a text, a stupid SnapChat picture with a ridiculous filter... whatever it was. She was a huge part of my life.
How could I possibly have done this? How could I let myself get so out of control? I ruin almost every relationship I have. I have to beg for forgiveness and for a second chance from my boyfriend, and beg for him to try to get through this with me. How am I crying to him that I lost my only best friend? Crying every day. Not eating because I just don't have the ability or urge to. Going through the motions without a part of my life- my best friend. I honestly don't know what's worse... Begging for my boyfriend to stay with me, or losing my best friend. But I can tell you that I will never, NEVER, run this course again.
People say you have to learn from your mistakes and grow from them. That's a damn understatement. You have to die emotionally to grow from your mistakes; to really have the full effect. You have to literally feel like you've hit that rocky bottom to understand how to climb out of the well you've dug.
So I'm digging guys. With a huge shovel. With my hands. With my heart. I'm trying to get out. I can see the shadow of depression creeping in and the only thing that's keeping it away is my boyfriend.
Maybe someday my best friend will come back into my life. But I hope she knows how sorry I am and how much I need her. I hope she knows I never intended to do this and that I wasn't in the right head space. I hope she understands I've snapped the fuck out of it and am real again. I hope she gives me another chance.
And that's all I have to say today...
