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Sunday, February 23, 2014

I've always thought I knew what love was...

So, I can't remember if I've told you all, but I'm not getting married anymore. 

Please don't be sad or feel any type of feelings toward the situation, it is for the best for my ex-fiance and I. We were just too different for our own good.

However, that happened months ago and now I am dating someone new... Oh, and did I tell you I'm pregnant? Yeah, I can't put the two together either...

His name is Ethan*. I actually met him on the Tinder app, (after telling myself I would never use a dating app or website!) and it's almost like he's too good to be true!

Let's start from the beginning-

I was feeling lonely and ready to move on when I joined Tinder. I was pregnant. I was overwhelmed by a sense of self pity. I know. Ridiculous. You don't have to tell me twice! And it just seemed like every guy I was compatible with was only looking for things I don't want to say... ok, I'll say it. They all wanted sex. Clearly I'm not embarrassed by sex or anything, but I don't go to a dating app to find it. Especially when I'm pregnant. So what I was doing is just telling guys flat out- I'm three months pregnant. And most of them were scared away. Others were creepy and had fetishes. Then Ethan appeared....... He didn't want sex. He didn't care I was pregnant. He just wanted to get to know me...

That was really new and exciting! I haven't dated in almost four years! I was excited and then overcome with this fear... What if he is just really good at playing cool? I have major trust issues with men and how was I just going to let this guy in and not put up every single wall I could muster up?

Well, we went to coffee and his eyes gleamed every time he laughed and his smile got wider and brighter with every fumbly thing he said. I could tell he was just as nervous as me! That made me relax a LOT. We actually had our second date that night! It was so sweet. But I had no idea how to act and to be honest, he wasn't my type. He was very muscular, shorter (but taller than me), light haired, fair skinned............... Ok, I know I was being picky. But I'm a girl and its what we do. Every time he looked at me I could feel this warmth. I felt pretty. I really felt wonderful. All I did was smile. But stupid Angie with all of her walls kept being skeptical. Maybe it was all a front?

But I saw him again... and again... and again... until I was sure that all of the compliments (which I have no idea how to take) and all of the wonderful things he says were true. 

And now I'm at this line. You see, I categorize relationships with men in this ladder type form where there are lines you cross. Ethan never was in the friend zone, so we skipped that line. Then we went to the dating zone, and then the steady zone... and now I feel like I'm at this new zone. I always thought I knew what love was... but now I'm not sure.

I'm scared. And I'm worried that I'll be rejected. Every time I see him I feel like I can do anything. He challenges me and questions my decisions and my opinions.  Things I need, but I never told him I wanted. How does he get me when I haven't even told him about myself? We're so much alike yet so completely different. And I think that's what makes me want to make him happier than he makes me. He is genuine and cares about my feelings and what is going on in my life.

Don't get me wrong, he's got his ways of making me crazy, but I'm sure I do the same for him :)

I just want to know what this is that I'm feeling. He's made me feel a way that I've never felt before. That's sad considering I was engaged... but back to the happy! How do I know!?

Now all we need to do is figure out how we're going to tell his mom I'm pregnant... and it's not even his...! But that's for another blog!

Feel free to respond with your epic love quotes and opinions!  

And that's all I have to say today <3

*Name has been changed.