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Thursday, May 29, 2014

The toughest decision I'll ever make. #someonetolovehiminmyplace

I have been putting many things off. But the biggest thing I have put off is calling the adoption agency I have been looking at. 

I'm 28 weeks pregnant, going on 29. I'm almost ready to give birth. Why is this such a hard thing for me to do? 

Maybe its the stress of having to take the time to do it. Maybe I'm being too emotional about the situation, but in the end, I know that my little man, that isn't even here yet, deserves the life that another family can give him. 

I'm not fit to be the mother I want to be some day. I don't have the support that a loving mother should have. I don't have a daddy for my little boy to look up to. How would I ever tell him that his daddy wanted nothing to do with him because it would, "hurt his career".

It breaks my heart every time I look at the website full of families that are waiting to have their dreams come true who have not been blessed with the ability to have a child of their own. And then I'm here, not married or ready to have a child, not trying to become pregnant, not liking being pregnant, and being unappreciative of the fact that I can have children. I hate the feeling of pregnancy. The wiggling and the hiccups. The weight gain. The heartburn. The way my body will look afterwards. And then there are some women out there that would give anything, and have given everything trying to be in my position. They would welcome the feeling and effects of pregnancy with open arms.

How can I do that? My faith has been tested so many times lately. I had to give up school, many things I like to do, and dreams I had so I could go through this. I know its a wakeup call. I get that. But, I don't want to deal with this. I'm selfish.

I want someone to do it for me so that one day, if my son finds me, I don't have to tell him why I gave him up. How my love could never have been enough for him and how I didn't deserve to keep him. How if he stayed with me, I could have never been able to afford to have him play soccer or hockey or football. How he could never have friends over because mommy couldn't afford to feed them all. How he would never have gotten birthday parties because mommy couldn't be there to throw them. 


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People tell me that I'm doing such a wonderful thing. How I'm giving a gift to a family. How I'm giving a gift to Sir Tater Tot. 

It's not a gift. 

You don't give a gift because you feel you have to. You give a gift because you want to and give it without question. 


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The worst part is the shaming some of my family is doing. Some do it because they feel I should be keeping the baby. Some because they have a sore spot in their hearts because I'm not pregnant with the baby of the man whom I was supposed to marry. Others, because they feel I mislead them and lied to them.

If they only knew half of the things that go through my head every day. All of the regret, fear, and pain. How I miss my dad more than anything because HIS emotional pain is too overwhelming for him. I mean, His first daughter made such a huge mistake that he can't bring himself to talk to her anymore. That seems legit, right?

I'm just trying to do the right thing. And it's a lot harder than anyone who hasn't gone through the same situation can imagine. But, I look at my Goddaughter, and how much my sister and brother-in-law love her and adore her. Sir Tater Tot deserves that. He may not have been brought into this world in a planned manner, but he will be raised with a plan and in a good home with lots of love and a set of parents that are ready and willing to give him the world he should have.

And that's all I have to say today <3

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Post Baby Body Plans #asstograss

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking with my current boyfriend. (His name is Ian, by the way).  He's a personal trainer and I feel like after I am done with this little "bump" in my road, I want a health and lifestyle change.

My plans- 

As soon as I am able to: 
-begin workout regimen.
-Eat healthy for gains and losses. (Muscle gain, weight/fat loss)
-Start looking into cosplay modeling and body building.

6 months post baby: 
-This is the point at which I would really love to start getting into cosplay and see if I can win some competitions and find an agent.
-Start cosplay blog.
-Start cosplay fan page.
-Begin bikini model training.

Now, before we get to the next marker, I want to let you know what Bikini Modeling is. It is not slutty or trashy. It is the first level of the body building competitive industry. You are judged based on your muscle tone and proportion. And yes, you do have to be beautiful. But, I want to try it out and see if I can get anywhere and if I like it.

1-1.5 years:
-Compete in my first Bikini Competition. 
-Discover the hard truth about how my body looks and what I can improve on.
-Possibly enter another competition.
-Start training to become a fitness model.
-Consult with a body building coach in order to learn posing, positioning, and to discuss and plan a fitness routine.

3-3.5 years:
-Become a fitness model.


- Fitness modeling is the next stage in body building. It involves a modeling walk, posing, and then a fitness routine of some sort... Basically cheerleading, but in a MUCH smaller uniform! haha

For those of you that don't know me, I was a cheerleader for MANY years. It is my one true love and favorite pastime.

Go big or go home, right?

I have all of the contacts I will need to complete this new phase in my life. I'm just hoping that I like it and I will do well at it.

You may see me sharing MANY new blogs about fitness modeling and my favorite cosplay blogs :) :) :)

Stay tuned! T-12 weeks until Sir Isaac Tater Tot arrives and is with a very loving family! Then BOOM, new Angie <3

And that's all I have to say today <3