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Monday, June 23, 2014

So, I'm terrified...

Well, after writing my last post and getting everything out on the line for the people in my life, I had many, many friends reach out to me and I must thank each and every one of them.

Your kind words helped me feel better about my decision and made the weight on my shoulders more tolerable. It's comforting knowing that so many people love me and the baby enough to support such a tough decision and that is what I needed to know.

These people who helped me, and listened to me also gave me the strength to call the agency which will place my child. I have filled out nearly all of my paperwork, and have chosen to meet with two very lovely families. I'm excited to meet them! One family even has a daughter that they has also been adopted! However, as excited as I am and even with how much relief I feel, I was not prepared for the emotional mess that I have become. I have been very moody lately because I am stressed to the max. Its becoming very difficult to manage my emotions because the pregnancy hormones make me want to flip my switch at any time. I'm so grateful that Ian is so understanding. He has remained, along with my sister Jen, my rock. Always listening and understanding. I love them both with more than all of my heart.

Now onto the real topic. I'm terrified to give birth. Do I need a birth plan? How will I know I'm in labor? How long will it take? How will I know everything is ok before I get to the hospital? What if something goes wrong?

For those of you who know me, I live with my mother who does not drive. My sister, who also lives with us, does drive, however has a life of her own and may not be home. Will I have time to have Ian come get me? Do I call Jen? Do I need to call my social worker? Or will the hospital do it? What if I go into labor before I have found the family I feel is right for Sir Isaac Tater Tot?

More importantly, I'm worried about pushing him out of me... I'm so scared it keeps me up at night. I'm also worried about my life after the baby. When he has left my presence is with a family that I know, but then again, don't know. I am choosing an open adoption, but that doesn't mean that I will always have access to what is going on, and it is not my intention to bother the family with my worries and woes. I just hope that the trust I am putting in them is enough. I won't have everyday proof that they are doing the job that they promised they would do, you know?

Anyway, I think that I'm done ranting about my worries and I should get ready for work. Yes, I am still working nearly 40 hours a week in retail. No, I am not comfortable. Yes, my feet are swollen to the size of Texas... Ouch.

And that's all I have to say today <3