So, I'm terrified...

Well, after writing my last post and getting everything out on the line for the people in my life, I had many, many friends reach out to me and I must thank each and every one of them.

Your kind words helped me feel better about my decision and made the weight on my shoulders more tolerable. It's comforting knowing that so many people love me and the baby enough to support such a tough decision and that is what I needed to know.

These people who helped me, and listened to me also gave me the strength to call the agency which will place my child. I have filled out nearly all of my paperwork, and have chosen to meet with two very lovely families. I'm excited to meet them! One family even has a daughter that they has also been adopted! However, as excited as I am and even with how much relief I feel, I was not prepared for the emotional mess that I have become. I have been very moody lately because I am stressed to the max. Its becoming very difficult to manage my emotions because the pregnancy hormones make me want to flip my switch at any time. I'm so grateful that Ian is so understanding. He has remained, along with my sister Jen, my rock. Always listening and understanding. I love them both with more than all of my heart.

Now onto the real topic. I'm terrified to give birth. Do I need a birth plan? How will I know I'm in labor? How long will it take? How will I know everything is ok before I get to the hospital? What if something goes wrong?

For those of you who know me, I live with my mother who does not drive. My sister, who also lives with us, does drive, however has a life of her own and may not be home. Will I have time to have Ian come get me? Do I call Jen? Do I need to call my social worker? Or will the hospital do it? What if I go into labor before I have found the family I feel is right for Sir Isaac Tater Tot?

More importantly, I'm worried about pushing him out of me... I'm so scared it keeps me up at night. I'm also worried about my life after the baby. When he has left my presence is with a family that I know, but then again, don't know. I am choosing an open adoption, but that doesn't mean that I will always have access to what is going on, and it is not my intention to bother the family with my worries and woes. I just hope that the trust I am putting in them is enough. I won't have everyday proof that they are doing the job that they promised they would do, you know?

Anyway, I think that I'm done ranting about my worries and I should get ready for work. Yes, I am still working nearly 40 hours a week in retail. No, I am not comfortable. Yes, my feet are swollen to the size of Texas... Ouch.

And that's all I have to say today <3

The toughest decision I'll ever make. #someonetolovehiminmyplace

I have been putting many things off. But the biggest thing I have put off is calling the adoption agency I have been looking at. 

I'm 28 weeks pregnant, going on 29. I'm almost ready to give birth. Why is this such a hard thing for me to do? 

Maybe its the stress of having to take the time to do it. Maybe I'm being too emotional about the situation, but in the end, I know that my little man, that isn't even here yet, deserves the life that another family can give him. 

I'm not fit to be the mother I want to be some day. I don't have the support that a loving mother should have. I don't have a daddy for my little boy to look up to. How would I ever tell him that his daddy wanted nothing to do with him because it would, "hurt his career".

It breaks my heart every time I look at the website full of families that are waiting to have their dreams come true who have not been blessed with the ability to have a child of their own. And then I'm here, not married or ready to have a child, not trying to become pregnant, not liking being pregnant, and being unappreciative of the fact that I can have children. I hate the feeling of pregnancy. The wiggling and the hiccups. The weight gain. The heartburn. The way my body will look afterwards. And then there are some women out there that would give anything, and have given everything trying to be in my position. They would welcome the feeling and effects of pregnancy with open arms.

How can I do that? My faith has been tested so many times lately. I had to give up school, many things I like to do, and dreams I had so I could go through this. I know its a wakeup call. I get that. But, I don't want to deal with this. I'm selfish.

I want someone to do it for me so that one day, if my son finds me, I don't have to tell him why I gave him up. How my love could never have been enough for him and how I didn't deserve to keep him. How if he stayed with me, I could have never been able to afford to have him play soccer or hockey or football. How he could never have friends over because mommy couldn't afford to feed them all. How he would never have gotten birthday parties because mommy couldn't be there to throw them. 


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People tell me that I'm doing such a wonderful thing. How I'm giving a gift to a family. How I'm giving a gift to Sir Tater Tot. 

It's not a gift. 

You don't give a gift because you feel you have to. You give a gift because you want to and give it without question. 


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The worst part is the shaming some of my family is doing. Some do it because they feel I should be keeping the baby. Some because they have a sore spot in their hearts because I'm not pregnant with the baby of the man whom I was supposed to marry. Others, because they feel I mislead them and lied to them.

If they only knew half of the things that go through my head every day. All of the regret, fear, and pain. How I miss my dad more than anything because HIS emotional pain is too overwhelming for him. I mean, His first daughter made such a huge mistake that he can't bring himself to talk to her anymore. That seems legit, right?

I'm just trying to do the right thing. And it's a lot harder than anyone who hasn't gone through the same situation can imagine. But, I look at my Goddaughter, and how much my sister and brother-in-law love her and adore her. Sir Tater Tot deserves that. He may not have been brought into this world in a planned manner, but he will be raised with a plan and in a good home with lots of love and a set of parents that are ready and willing to give him the world he should have.

And that's all I have to say today <3

Post Baby Body Plans #asstograss

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking with my current boyfriend. (His name is Ian, by the way).  He's a personal trainer and I feel like after I am done with this little "bump" in my road, I want a health and lifestyle change.

My plans- 

As soon as I am able to: 
-begin workout regimen.
-Eat healthy for gains and losses. (Muscle gain, weight/fat loss)
-Start looking into cosplay modeling and body building.

6 months post baby: 
-This is the point at which I would really love to start getting into cosplay and see if I can win some competitions and find an agent.
-Start cosplay blog.
-Start cosplay fan page.
-Begin bikini model training.

Now, before we get to the next marker, I want to let you know what Bikini Modeling is. It is not slutty or trashy. It is the first level of the body building competitive industry. You are judged based on your muscle tone and proportion. And yes, you do have to be beautiful. But, I want to try it out and see if I can get anywhere and if I like it.

1-1.5 years:
-Compete in my first Bikini Competition. 
-Discover the hard truth about how my body looks and what I can improve on.
-Possibly enter another competition.
-Start training to become a fitness model.
-Consult with a body building coach in order to learn posing, positioning, and to discuss and plan a fitness routine.

3-3.5 years:
-Become a fitness model.


- Fitness modeling is the next stage in body building. It involves a modeling walk, posing, and then a fitness routine of some sort... Basically cheerleading, but in a MUCH smaller uniform! haha

For those of you that don't know me, I was a cheerleader for MANY years. It is my one true love and favorite pastime.

Go big or go home, right?

I have all of the contacts I will need to complete this new phase in my life. I'm just hoping that I like it and I will do well at it.

You may see me sharing MANY new blogs about fitness modeling and my favorite cosplay blogs :) :) :)

Stay tuned! T-12 weeks until Sir Isaac Tater Tot arrives and is with a very loving family! Then BOOM, new Angie <3

And that's all I have to say today <3

I've always thought I knew what love was...

So, I can't remember if I've told you all, but I'm not getting married anymore. 

Please don't be sad or feel any type of feelings toward the situation, it is for the best for my ex-fiance and I. We were just too different for our own good.

However, that happened months ago and now I am dating someone new... Oh, and did I tell you I'm pregnant? Yeah, I can't put the two together either...

His name is Ethan*. I actually met him on the Tinder app, (after telling myself I would never use a dating app or website!) and it's almost like he's too good to be true!

Let's start from the beginning-

I was feeling lonely and ready to move on when I joined Tinder. I was pregnant. I was overwhelmed by a sense of self pity. I know. Ridiculous. You don't have to tell me twice! And it just seemed like every guy I was compatible with was only looking for things I don't want to say... ok, I'll say it. They all wanted sex. Clearly I'm not embarrassed by sex or anything, but I don't go to a dating app to find it. Especially when I'm pregnant. So what I was doing is just telling guys flat out- I'm three months pregnant. And most of them were scared away. Others were creepy and had fetishes. Then Ethan appeared....... He didn't want sex. He didn't care I was pregnant. He just wanted to get to know me...

That was really new and exciting! I haven't dated in almost four years! I was excited and then overcome with this fear... What if he is just really good at playing cool? I have major trust issues with men and how was I just going to let this guy in and not put up every single wall I could muster up?

Well, we went to coffee and his eyes gleamed every time he laughed and his smile got wider and brighter with every fumbly thing he said. I could tell he was just as nervous as me! That made me relax a LOT. We actually had our second date that night! It was so sweet. But I had no idea how to act and to be honest, he wasn't my type. He was very muscular, shorter (but taller than me), light haired, fair skinned............... Ok, I know I was being picky. But I'm a girl and its what we do. Every time he looked at me I could feel this warmth. I felt pretty. I really felt wonderful. All I did was smile. But stupid Angie with all of her walls kept being skeptical. Maybe it was all a front?

But I saw him again... and again... and again... until I was sure that all of the compliments (which I have no idea how to take) and all of the wonderful things he says were true. 

And now I'm at this line. You see, I categorize relationships with men in this ladder type form where there are lines you cross. Ethan never was in the friend zone, so we skipped that line. Then we went to the dating zone, and then the steady zone... and now I feel like I'm at this new zone. I always thought I knew what love was... but now I'm not sure.

I'm scared. And I'm worried that I'll be rejected. Every time I see him I feel like I can do anything. He challenges me and questions my decisions and my opinions.  Things I need, but I never told him I wanted. How does he get me when I haven't even told him about myself? We're so much alike yet so completely different. And I think that's what makes me want to make him happier than he makes me. He is genuine and cares about my feelings and what is going on in my life.

Don't get me wrong, he's got his ways of making me crazy, but I'm sure I do the same for him :)

I just want to know what this is that I'm feeling. He's made me feel a way that I've never felt before. That's sad considering I was engaged... but back to the happy! How do I know!?

Now all we need to do is figure out how we're going to tell his mom I'm pregnant... and it's not even his...! But that's for another blog!

Feel free to respond with your epic love quotes and opinions!  



And that's all I have to say today <3

*Name has been changed.

For all you ladies with sensitive skin!

Hey guys! I know it's been a REALLY long time since I've blogged, but hey, a girl gets busy sometimes!

So, Influenster and Gillette recently sent me the new Gillette Venus Sensitive Razor and let me tell you, I was skeptical... I usually have nothing but little red bumps and itching after shaving my legs. HOWEVER, this time, I didn't! I was so excited! It's really hard to go a day without itching and then moisturizing so intensely after shaving, but I didn't feel like I had to do that! My skin was smooth, touchable, and not irritated at all!


I think I may have found my new soulmate! Thanks Influenster and Gillette!!!


And that's all I have to say today <3

Some weird happenings around WI lately... Or maybe just my neck of the woods?

So, I haven't posted in a long while. I've been quite busy!!!

First, my fiance and I had a little out and broke up to find our ways back to each other. That was a long couple of months. Then, I realized that my apartment is too small to do 30 DS in and I joined a gym. And now, I am blogging at Barns & Noble because I am supposed to be meeting a partner for a group project... and she's not here! Hopefully she will be soon.

While I wasn't blogging, I made some important life goals for myself.

1. Get married. Brandon loves me no matter how I am and where I am in my life. I AM good enough. Nothing will change that.
2. Lose the 35 lbs that I have gained since high school. Not that I don't like my body! I love the curves these extra lbs have given me, but I can tell that my body doesn't appreciate the extra weight. My frame isn't made to hold this much.
3. Raise my GPA to a 3.0. I took a leadership class this summer, and I ended up becoming more confused about my life than what I already was. However, I was able to network and know that I have so many mentors and people in my life that are willing to take the good with the bad. So, I have currently got a 2.9!! WHooop WHoop! So, my favorite professor Ed encouraged me to reset my goal to achieving a 3.5. That would entitle me to graduate with honors and I would be the second person EVER in my family to graduate from college with honors, and the first person in my family to graduate from college with TWO degrees. What a landmark. I feel that I need to set the bar high. Not only for myself, but also for my future children. I didn't really have any expectations except for the ones that my step-mother set for me. So achieving them will be the ultimate payoff.
4. Personally grow the WCTC DECA chapter by 15%. This is what I am goaled at currently. And, if everyone who signed up at our first meeting continues to be active with the club, I am positive that I am nearly half way there already! SO EXCITED!

If you have never set a goal and completed it, you may not know the feeling, but completing a goal, or exceeding it is the greatest feeling ever!

One day I will pay it forward. I can only hope that I will be able to prove to my professors, who have invested so much time into mentoring, and supporting not only me but my fellow peers, that I was worth it.

On a less academic note, I was promoted to a Sales Leader at a larger store! That was one of my dreams and is keeping me on track with my career goals :) Why am I telling you this, you may ask? Because it comes with perks, (like a raise), and downfalls. Said downfalls include, later nights, stressful quotas, and weird men hitting on you and asking you out... You like how I slid that one in there? I knew you would!

Yesterday, I opened the store and was greeting and selling to customers when a man, not an old man, but older than me, and straight up asked me on a date. OF COURSE it was a day when I didn't wear my engagement ring to work. 

Then, today, I'm walking through the mall and a guy goes, "Hey I like you're jeans", and I politely thank him. Then he goes, "How can I get in those?" Um... EXCUSE ME?! No.

And that's all I have to say today <3

There must be something in the water...

What is it lately? It seems like whatever I want goes up in flames? I want to hang out with someone, NOPE! You've gotta work, or you're sick. I want to finally be on top of my bills and not broke at the end of the month, NOPE! You're actually be negative at the EOM. I want to be happy, NOPE! Screw you Angie!

I am usually just a very positive person. EXTREMELY positive, to the point where people ask me how the heck I'm so positive. But, lately I just want to shoot anyone who's being positive in the face. I'm ready to give up on being happy and start making other people happy. I'd be one of those people who thrives on other people's happiness. 

It's so bothersome that I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. And all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs that I hate everyone.

HOWEVER, I could have it worse. I know I could. But can I just for once be happy? Its not even really about the money, or the inability to hang out with friends. It is the sheer fact that it seems like everyone I know wants me to be upset. It seems like everyone just wants me to suffer and struggle.

Also, can I get a weekend off without asking for one? Like seriously? Or can someone I know at my job, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE(!!!!) stop being so selfish? I work my tail off too! I deserve to have my scheduled ROTATION off! Its company policy, thank you. 

And that's all I have to say today <3

PS- I know things will get better :) I just needed to vent.