I lost my way...

It's been a long time since I've blogged, but it's necessary sometimes to find yourself and then come back once you've gotten grounded. Or in my case, once you've almost lost everything...

A while back, I wrote about my adoption story. I wrote my heart out about how I felt and how hard it was, yet how rewarding the adoption had been. I thought I hit rock bottom. Boy was I ever wrong.




Following the pregnancy, I had such deep depression that I almost lost my sisters' patience with me. I almost lost my faith. I almost lost my boyfriend, and honestly, my life. If it weren't for the constant support from my boyfriend and his family, I would have given up. Suicide was constantly on my mind and it wasn't until early 2018 that it finally receded into its dark, black hole from hell and has left me alone since. However, it gave me new confidence. It gave me a feeling of greed and made me think I needed more than I did. More love. More things... more everything. And while no one should put their personal needs aside, it became evident that I was putting aside the needs of others. I kept telling myself that I was a good friend, good auntie, good sister, girlfriend, etc. but really, I was super lost in myself. I wasn't finding myself. No. I was being a glutton. I was being so selfish that I felt nothing was good enough.

My boyfriend has been by my side for ages, it seems. We've been together nearly five years and I was always so thankful and grateful to have him. Everything lead back to how lucky I was to be with him. And then in early 2018, once I "found myself", I started to feel like I wasn't getting what I needed. I wanted a ring. I wanted an apartment. I wanted more, more, and still more. But he wasn't ready. And although he was constantly there by my side, I still imagined him not loving me. But all he was saying was that he needed more time to grow personally before he took those steps with me. And when I projected my feelings, usually with my best friend, it seemed like he was the worst. The absolute WORST. But he wasn't. I had just lost my way and misunderstood what he needed. And instead of asking him why he wasn't mentally there, or trying to communicate with him around what I felt... I just started distancing myself.

Well, it crashed down. Somewhere between Halloween and New Year's Eve. I didn't care anymore. I started drinking too much. Constantly focusing on me and how I felt instead of others. I was heading straight for a wall of shit. Just a huge, brick wall of terrible. And I dragged everyone I knew into that car with me and drove full force into that wall.

Let me back up for a minute and tell you about my best friend. The one who so lovingly cried with me endless times. Supported me through all the stress I created for myself and built me up while I was selfish. We have shared everything together for the last 5 years. We were pregnant together. Had our children just a few weeks apart. Watched our ridiculous reality TV together. Traveled. Laughed, loved, and lived- seriously. It was the strongest relationship, aside from the one with my sisters or my boyfriend that I've ever had. I've never had anyone support me wholeheartedly the way she did. Others have been skeptical of my paths, and they should have been. But not her. She never questioned me if I really believed in something. She was my rock and the person I went to with everything. She was the best listener besides God because she didn't ask questions, and when she did, they were out of love and support. This is truly the friend you want in your life.

And I lost her. I don't have a best friend anymore... She's gone.

Aside from my family and boyfriend... she's the only other person in this world that matters. I literally have a hole in my life now. Have you ever had the urge to run and tell someone something so juicy, or important, and then you have to remember that you can't because you ruined that chance? That's me every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can't remember a day in the last couple of years where I didn't interact with her on some level. Whether it was a stupid meme on Facebook, a text, a stupid SnapChat picture with a ridiculous filter... whatever it was. She was a huge part of my life.

How could I possibly have done this? How could I let myself get so out of control? I ruin almost every relationship I have. I have to beg for forgiveness and for a second chance from my boyfriend, and beg for him to try to get through this with me. How am I crying to him that I lost my only best friend? Crying every day. Not eating because I just don't have the ability or urge to. Going through the motions without a part of my life- my best friend. I honestly don't know what's worse... Begging for my boyfriend to stay with me, or losing my best friend. But I can tell you that I will never, NEVER, run this course again.

People say you have to learn from your mistakes and grow from them. That's a damn understatement. You have to die emotionally to grow from your mistakes; to really have the full effect. You have to literally feel like you've hit that rocky bottom to understand how to climb out of the well you've dug.




So I'm digging guys. With a huge shovel. With my hands. With my heart. I'm trying to get out. I can see the shadow of depression creeping in and the only thing that's keeping it away is my boyfriend.

Maybe someday my best friend will come back into my life. But I hope she knows how sorry I am and how much I need her. I hope she knows I never intended to do this and that I wasn't in the right head space. I hope she understands I've snapped the fuck out of it and am real again. I hope she gives me another chance.

And that's all I have to say today...

Carefree VoxBox... uh... no. (NO MEN ALLOWED!)

So, I was totally stoked to be testing and reviewing women's sanitary items! I am a big advocate for women's menstrual products to be either tax free, or free in general. Nearly half of our world uses feminine hygiene products and the fact that we pay terrible amounts of money for them makes it an ungodly task every. single. month.

However, I was displeased to see panty liners in my VoxBox... I don't know about you, but my lady parts need to breath. That means cotton panties YEAR ROUND and NO extra linings to harbor bacteria and sweat. 

Now, some women will disagree, but discharge is natural and can easily be wiped away. I do not have a problem with discharge no matter what time of the month it is, and if I have a large amount of it, I still wouldn't wear a panty liner to take care of it. I would rather change my undies than keep buying panty liners. 

I honestly tried to wear these every day and it just feels like I am wearing extra thick underwear that ends up feeling damp and uncomfortable. The only time I would EVER wear a panty liner would be if I am expecting my period soon, or, if I have an extra heavy flow and NEED the extra protection.

Fresh IS fierce!.... just not with an extra layer in your undies. This VoxBox gets a BIG thumbs down :(

And that's all I have to say today <3

Why I'm SO Obsessed with #Influenster!!! A blog about www.influenster.com

Hey everyone! 

Today I just want to share with you all the excitement I have about #Influenster and all the coolness and realness they bring to the table!

Influenster, first and foremost is a liaison for companies and brands that want people to honestly test and review their products. They supply bloggers and Youtubers like myself with all sorts of goodies for FREE just so we can test, try, love, hate, and review the latest and greatest products! I personally have had some really awesome things that I will continue to use for years because of Influenster and the companies that they work with. 

Some of the awesome, FREE things I have received and LOVED from Influenster and the brands they work with:

- SinfulShine with Gel Tech Nailpolish
- Dr. Scholl's for Her High Heel Insoles
- A $25 coupon for SoleSociety... which is a sad addiction because they make AMAZING shoes!
- A full box of Crest 3D White Professional Whitening Strips

You guys, this website is one of the coolest things I have ever been a part of. I love trying out new products and I like to blog. Why not put both things together? The power of social media is so strong today and you can make a difference for a company just by joining Influenster.com and starting your dashboard!

PS- there's ALSO a new #InfluensterApp! Go find it! 

Here's where you can become an Influenster!


------> https://www.influenster.com/?view=signup <------

Have fun! Enjoy your products! And BLOG!

And that's all I have to say today <3

Newest VoxBox #ClearProof

Hey guys! So I received another VoxBox!!!


This time Influenster sent me the Mary Kay ClearProof Acne System FOR FREE! I was super excited because I have struggled with acne since I was in 6th grade. Now, let me explain my skin. My acne is not considered chronic. It is considered mild. But I still fall under the category of, "acne-prone skin". 

Acne makes people self-conscious  and even sometimes causes depression due to self-image. I have been a victim of both. So, you can understand why I was so stoked to try this product line out!

Here's what came in my VoxBox-

-ClearProof Clarifying Cleansing Gel
-ClearProof Blemish Control Toner
-ClearProof Acne Treatment Gel
-ClearProof Oil-free Moisturizer for Acne-prone Skin

So, four steps. The directions for the system suggested usage is: wash, tone, treat, moisturize. Easy enough. Just like any other regimen. So I set off to use the system!

The first thing I noticed was that the cleansing gel had NO color, which is amazing because colors and dyes irritate my skin. The second thing I noticed was that the cleanser seemed to have a slight scent to it. This worried me initially because my face is also sensitive to fragrance. I went ahead with my four step process anyway.

After washing my face, I patted my face dry and applied the toner with a clean cotton ball. The toner felt, smelled and acted just like any toner. It tightened my pores and exfoliated just like other toners you would buy.

Then I used the treatment gel. This looked more like a lotion than a gel. It was white and felt more like a moisturizer than gel. I used this to spot treat break-out prone areas. Immediately after using this I could feel my face tighten, though. It was uncomfortable and the areas that I treated turned slightly red.

I then used the moisturizer. It was very thin, and even though I have combination skin, it didn't feel like it moisturized enough. The result from this moisturizer seemed to make my skin produce MORE oil due to it not giving my skin the moisture it needed.

I used the full system for about one week and then decided that after seeing my skin become extremely dry and flaky and itchy, I needed to start using the system every other day instead of each day. This proved to help somewhat. I was using the cleanser daily, the toner daily, and the moisturizer. The treatment gel was only used when necessary.

After another week, I still was experiencing dryness after using the system every other day. So, I continued to use the cleanser each day, but I stopped using the rest of the system. I went back to my normal daily moisturizer and toner. I continued this way for the last two weeks.

I definitely like the treatment gel, except I literally only use it to spot treat pimples. This system is much too drying and irritating for my skin. I saw a change in the size of my pores as well as an even tone return to my skin, but the dryness this system has created is nearly unbearable. 

A little about Isaac and what's going on since his birth

So... the last few months of my pregnancy flew by...  Now I feel as though I didn't have enough time with my little one. 

*For those of you who haven't ready my previous posts, my son was placed for adoption with a very loving family, for whom I am very grateful.*

I hated being pregnant. Every second of it. I was the third trimester complainer too. I got huge. I developed tons of little stretch marks that now look like insect larva right around my belly button. I was more hormonal and nasty with my mood swings during the last three months than I had been the entire pregnancy... So hormonal that I almost threw a pint of ice cream at Ian in the middle of Target... I hated not knowing what I would look like after the baby was born, or how I would feel after he was born. And most of all, even though I had many supporters and loving words and basically anything I ever needed; I felt alone.

But, back to why I feel I didn't have enough time...

Let's begin with labor. My whole pregnancy went exactly as planned. I was very healthy and so was Isaac. I gained the exact amount of weight expected. I had no complications. The only thing I complained to my doctor about was the swelling in my hands and then the pain I had in my side, (which turned out to be little Isaac punching and kicking me! I was bruised from the inside out!). Isaac was a trooper and was until he was born. I, on the other hand was not. I woke up on August 11th, 2014... in labor. Right? Like... who does that? So I call my OB's office and OF COURSE my doctor isn't on call this weekend. So I get a different doctor... who literally told me that since this was my first pregnancy, I probably wasn't in labor, it was probably just false labor... To which I said, "yea", and hung up the phone. I had false labor two weeks before. I KNEW this was not false labor! Then POOF! ...Or more like SPLASH! my water broke. My mom's and sister's first reaction, "Should we call the doctor?" Devil Angie came out and through gritted teeth said... "NO. My water is broken. We will go straight to the hospital. They can call that doctor." At this point all I wanted to to was clean up and get this show on the road! I had a wonderful couple that was anxiously awaiting the arrival of this little man! And so was I! Well, on the way to the hospital the contractions jumped from 5  mins apart... two 2 mins apart... plus back labor. Horrible, horrible back labor. Then we got lost trying to find the hospital. Then we got lost in the parking structure. Then we couldn't find the entrance! However, I was pre-registered and got checked and into a LDR quickly. Mind you, this was all at 10am. (2 hours post knowing I was in labor). I will spare you the vivid labor details, but I will let you know that when you have a rotation in your spine an epidural doesn't go in easily. Laying down  on your side during a contraction make back labor worse. And "throne position" DID NOT help my labor progress. So, after 16 hours of labor and no progression even WITH 10 hours of pitosin, I spiked a fever which made Isaac's heart rate climb rapidly. And this is where my "normal" labor went fuzzy and crazy and completely wacky and out of my control. This is where I felt helpless and like I was doing a bad job. I started shaking. This sometimes means that labor is progressing... but it hadn't. Then they threw me on oxygen. Then I don't remember anything but terrible pain right in the middle of my back. I couldn't lay down or sit up. Then all of the sudden I'm hearing c-section. And there were more than my normal two nurses in the room... plus the anesthesiologists... and the resident doctor... and now the on- call doctor... the adoptive mom was now in the room and my sister was in the bathroom putting on scrubs. Was this really happening? My perfect pregnancy is now imperfect and its happening right before this perfect adoptive mother's eyes?

I didn't want to see the worry in her eyes. But I had to. There was no special birth where she got to see Isaac be born and cut his cord. My hospital plan went out the window. I was lucky that her and Jenny got to even come into the OR with me. I could feel everything during the procedure. All of the tugging. I could hear all of the beeping and the god awful Dixie Chicks CD the doctor had playing. But, then I heard him cry. And I knew he was ok. He was perfect. It was me who failed him. I couldn't do it. And to top it off... it all seemed to go so fast.

And so I withdrew. I only held him twice before he went home with his new mommy and daddy. I couldn't look at him and think that I did a good job like everyone was telling me. But he was perfect. And now I feel like I did the worst thing possible. Now I feel like he will hate me when he grows up. There is only one picture of me holding him. I hope and pray that he doesn't feel I didn't want him. I hope he always knows that I know this is what was best for him and that it was a loving decision.

I have bunches of pictures of him. All bundled up with cute little hats on and soft blankies surrounding him. All the things I couldn't have given him. I hope he knows that he has everything he needs.

I can only pray that one day he will understand why there is only that one picture. And why Tony and I placed him for adoption. I hope I do get to know him and he gets to know me and understand that I love him. But I also pray that he never resents me and that he never lashes out at his adoptive parents because of my decision. I hope he will always understand that he could never have what he will have and be able to do what he will do in the future if I wouldn't have placed him with an adoptive family. I just hope he knows that I love him, and that even though we didn't have much time together, deep down, he will always be my son.

Isaac- the son of Abraham who was long awaited (the name I chose for him)
Rhodes- meaning the road to roses (to represent his adoptive mother)
He will carry the adoptive parents' last name in a few short months (to represent his adoptive father)

Born: August 11, 2014 at 12:07am. 
6lbs, 13.2oz
21 inches long

Perfect.

And that's all I have to say today <3

So, I'm terrified...

Well, after writing my last post and getting everything out on the line for the people in my life, I had many, many friends reach out to me and I must thank each and every one of them.

Your kind words helped me feel better about my decision and made the weight on my shoulders more tolerable. It's comforting knowing that so many people love me and the baby enough to support such a tough decision and that is what I needed to know.

These people who helped me, and listened to me also gave me the strength to call the agency which will place my child. I have filled out nearly all of my paperwork, and have chosen to meet with two very lovely families. I'm excited to meet them! One family even has a daughter that they has also been adopted! However, as excited as I am and even with how much relief I feel, I was not prepared for the emotional mess that I have become. I have been very moody lately because I am stressed to the max. Its becoming very difficult to manage my emotions because the pregnancy hormones make me want to flip my switch at any time. I'm so grateful that Ian is so understanding. He has remained, along with my sister Jen, my rock. Always listening and understanding. I love them both with more than all of my heart.

Now onto the real topic. I'm terrified to give birth. Do I need a birth plan? How will I know I'm in labor? How long will it take? How will I know everything is ok before I get to the hospital? What if something goes wrong?

For those of you who know me, I live with my mother who does not drive. My sister, who also lives with us, does drive, however has a life of her own and may not be home. Will I have time to have Ian come get me? Do I call Jen? Do I need to call my social worker? Or will the hospital do it? What if I go into labor before I have found the family I feel is right for Sir Isaac Tater Tot?

More importantly, I'm worried about pushing him out of me... I'm so scared it keeps me up at night. I'm also worried about my life after the baby. When he has left my presence is with a family that I know, but then again, don't know. I am choosing an open adoption, but that doesn't mean that I will always have access to what is going on, and it is not my intention to bother the family with my worries and woes. I just hope that the trust I am putting in them is enough. I won't have everyday proof that they are doing the job that they promised they would do, you know?

Anyway, I think that I'm done ranting about my worries and I should get ready for work. Yes, I am still working nearly 40 hours a week in retail. No, I am not comfortable. Yes, my feet are swollen to the size of Texas... Ouch.

And that's all I have to say today <3

The toughest decision I'll ever make. #someonetolovehiminmyplace

I have been putting many things off. But the biggest thing I have put off is calling the adoption agency I have been looking at. 

I'm 28 weeks pregnant, going on 29. I'm almost ready to give birth. Why is this such a hard thing for me to do? 

Maybe its the stress of having to take the time to do it. Maybe I'm being too emotional about the situation, but in the end, I know that my little man, that isn't even here yet, deserves the life that another family can give him. 

I'm not fit to be the mother I want to be some day. I don't have the support that a loving mother should have. I don't have a daddy for my little boy to look up to. How would I ever tell him that his daddy wanted nothing to do with him because it would, "hurt his career".

It breaks my heart every time I look at the website full of families that are waiting to have their dreams come true who have not been blessed with the ability to have a child of their own. And then I'm here, not married or ready to have a child, not trying to become pregnant, not liking being pregnant, and being unappreciative of the fact that I can have children. I hate the feeling of pregnancy. The wiggling and the hiccups. The weight gain. The heartburn. The way my body will look afterwards. And then there are some women out there that would give anything, and have given everything trying to be in my position. They would welcome the feeling and effects of pregnancy with open arms.

How can I do that? My faith has been tested so many times lately. I had to give up school, many things I like to do, and dreams I had so I could go through this. I know its a wakeup call. I get that. But, I don't want to deal with this. I'm selfish.

I want someone to do it for me so that one day, if my son finds me, I don't have to tell him why I gave him up. How my love could never have been enough for him and how I didn't deserve to keep him. How if he stayed with me, I could have never been able to afford to have him play soccer or hockey or football. How he could never have friends over because mommy couldn't afford to feed them all. How he would never have gotten birthday parties because mommy couldn't be there to throw them. 


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People tell me that I'm doing such a wonderful thing. How I'm giving a gift to a family. How I'm giving a gift to Sir Tater Tot. 

It's not a gift. 

You don't give a gift because you feel you have to. You give a gift because you want to and give it without question. 


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The worst part is the shaming some of my family is doing. Some do it because they feel I should be keeping the baby. Some because they have a sore spot in their hearts because I'm not pregnant with the baby of the man whom I was supposed to marry. Others, because they feel I mislead them and lied to them.

If they only knew half of the things that go through my head every day. All of the regret, fear, and pain. How I miss my dad more than anything because HIS emotional pain is too overwhelming for him. I mean, His first daughter made such a huge mistake that he can't bring himself to talk to her anymore. That seems legit, right?

I'm just trying to do the right thing. And it's a lot harder than anyone who hasn't gone through the same situation can imagine. But, I look at my Goddaughter, and how much my sister and brother-in-law love her and adore her. Sir Tater Tot deserves that. He may not have been brought into this world in a planned manner, but he will be raised with a plan and in a good home with lots of love and a set of parents that are ready and willing to give him the world he should have.

And that's all I have to say today <3